I'm giving up Facebook stalking in the new year.

I have lots of conversations with him in my head. Most of which I am much more brave and self assured in my words and actions. Not that there is even the remotest chance of a conversation with him at this point. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, he doesn't give a crap about me, probably never did. It is obvious that I was more invested in the friendship than he was, and naively thought the friendship would last.

I just wish I could stop thinking about him and the whole situation. It been almost 3 years. I am a sad, pathetic person for letting him consume me this way. There are many more important things going on in the world today that should have my time and attention, rather than waste them on imaginary conversations that will never happen.

I miss his stupid face, and I hate myself for it. I've tried severing all ties, but I still find myself going back. Tormenting myself, basically. It's masochistic. And it sucks to know he doesn't care at all. I'm sure he wastes no time thinking of me. At. All. Even though there are some good memories, I find myself wishing, now more than ever, that we'd never been friends. I wish I could be thankful for him today, but in reality, I'm resentful. Resentful that it was so easy for him to let go and not look back.

Fall is creeping on slowly. The anticipation of cooler temperatures and the vibrant colors of changing leaves is leaving me imperceptibly anxious. I'm ready for change and Arkansas' subtle slide into another season is not drastic enough for me.

I want to be shattered, shocked, awakened! I feel my senses are dulled. My view of myself, my life... Sigh. I need to be broken, and badly! Fire, healing, renewal, growth, life...

So many thoughts. So many flawed ways of thinking. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I hate job hunting. I always feel inadequate. And it doesn't help that I still, even at 25, don't know what it is that I really want to do, or what it is that I am really and truly passionate about. So many things, so many interests... But what is the one thing I'm ready and willing to commit myself to? I just don't know yet.

I am going to make a list (like so many before) of things I'd like to accomplish in my life. Like to learn to play the guitar, the piano, and the cello; be an artist, using whatever I can get my hands on, to create mixed-media masterpieces, even if they are only ever seen by me; get out of debt; travel. I will be a woman who is comfortable with herself, and confident in who she is [becoming].

Goodbye, good luck, good riddance.

Sigh.

I'm tired [and that's a loaded word if ever there was one.]

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I'm not going to throw myself in front of people so that they remember me. I find myself doing that a lot. And it's dumb. I should not have to re-introduce myself to people a dozen times before they remember me. It's ridiculous, and unnecessary. And yes, I am a little bitter that I seem to have to do that with certain people.

Unrequitedly loving. Ohmygah. More and more often I feel completely ridiculous.